TOP TEN FUNNIEST AND WEIRDEST NEWS SHIT FROM 2009!

*PICKED OUT OF A LIST OF A 100 NEWS STORIES FROM WWW.ASYLUM.COM..NIX!*




1.Widow Killed by Husband' s Coffin.
A 67-year-old Brazilian woman was traveling to her husband's funeral in the hearse when another car hit the vehicle. The impact slammed the coffin into the head of Marciana Silva Barcelos, killing her instantly. So much for "til death do us part."


2.Fake Cop Pulls Over Real Cop
On Oakland man who had outfitted his Crown Victoria with flashing lights, a microphone and speakers, pulled over what turned out to be a real, but unmarked police car. The authorities speculate that Antonio Fernandez Martinez was looking for someone to rob. Instead he will go to prison.


3.Walmart can try to spin itself as being on the side of good all it wants, but if it ever suspects you of shoplifting, you may find that you're powerless to fight back. In the case of a couple accused of shoplifting some Bic lighters in Niles, Michigan this past August, Walmart detained them, the police came and cuffed one of them, their two kids were taken to a security room, and—after a review of security footage proved the couple's innocence—they were banned for life from all Walmarts. To top it off, Walmart's legal team has sent the couple a letter asking to be reimbursed for 10 times the value of the lighters, even though the police determined no shoplifting had taken place.

(It's unclear whether the couple ever actually paid for the Bic lighters in question—the article only specifies that the footage shows they scanned the package of lighters but that the scanner didn't register it.)

The couple in question is gay and their sons are adopted, which may have introduced a whole new level of emotional reactions on both sides of the dispute. The men say their children told them that while they were being held in the security room, the security staff threatened the kids and "had made disparaging remarks about Paolucci and Hitchcock's lifestyle." It's not a stretch to imagine that such an attitude, if it existed, carried over into any face-to-face interactions. Meanwhile, the police who showed up and cuffed Paolucci, then forced the two men into the backs of different squad cars, claim that the men were causing a disturbance when they arrived at the scene.

Still, no amount of pro-gay or anti-gay outrage makes it okay for a retailer to place paying customers in such an abusive situation, especially when the retailer's own security footage—which was immediately available for review—shows that if there was any inventory issue it was due to a malfunction of the scanner. But Walmart can get away with it because it can afford to:

4.Boy, 6, Misses Bus, Drives Mom's Car Instead
A 6-year old boy who missed the morning school bus drove his sleeping mother's car 10 miles in an attempt to make it in time for P.E. The boy apparently learned to drive from playing video games. He ended up crashing the car into a utility pole only a half-mile from his elementary school. Luckily, nobody was injured.
Dead Baby Wakes Up for His Funeral Wake



5.A baby born 16 weeks early in a Paraguayan hospital was declared dead by doctors, who wrote up a death certificate and returned him to his parents in a makeshift coffin. Lo and behold the little fellow started crying and moving right as his parents were preparing him for burial. "Dugg for the ultimate guilt-trip this kid could lay on his parents: 'Remember that time, soon after I was born, that you nearly buried me alive......NIX!

5.Woman Bites Lover's Penis Off In Car Crash
Everyone knows that the big risk associated with receiving oral sex in the car is that if there happens to be an accident, you are very much in jeopardy of losing your penis. Still, a man in Singapore, who did lose his penis while getting a BJ in an automobile, has the right to feel unlucky. You see, his car was parked in a lot, and the mouth penectomy only occurred after a truck backed into his stationary love mobile.


6.Hilton Employee Witnesses Orgy, Tells, Gets Fired, Sues
A 43-year former employee of the Minneapolis Hilton claims she was fired after she witnessed the hotel's upper management having an orgy in one of the banquet halls and reported it to human resources. So she's suing the Hilton hotel chain for "harassment by orgy," which is not a joke -- it's actually written in the suit.

7. Boy Killed Anally When Office Chair Explodes
A 14-year-old boy in China was killed when the height-regulating gas cylinder in his office chair blew up and ruptured his anus. It's a brutal story and, frankly, it sounds made up. Then again, there are 1.3 billion people in China, and that massive number does increase the likelihood that one of them was eventually going to sit on the wrong office chair and suffer a deadly anal wound.

8.Man Arrested for Being Naked in His OWN HOME
Since he was alone in his own house, Eric Williamson decided to make his morning coffee in the nude. Little did he know a woman -- the wife of a local police officer -- happened to be looking through his window, and her complaint led to his unusual arrest for indecent exposure. We're pretty sure if the genders were reversed it would be the one peeping through the window in the legal trouble.


9.ShamWow Guy in Slap Chop Bust .
It was a tough year for TV's most prominent pitchmen, with Billy Mays ascending to the great infomercial in the sky, and Vince Shlomi, aka "The ShamWow Guy," getting arrested after a bloody incident in which he punched a prostitute who was in the process of trying to bite off his tongue. The cannibal hooker was also arrested, although neither was ever formally charged. SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THAT JACK CHOOP.KID!


10.12-Hour Viagra-Fueled Orgy Ends in Death
Sergey Tuganov bet two women $4,300 that he could make love to both of them, simultaneously, for 12 hours straight. And, no, this wasn't just a ploy to turn a couple female acquaintances into high-priced hookers. Determined to double his money as well as his pleasure, the 28-year-old Russian downed 30 Viagra pills before going work. Minutes after becoming the ultimate marathon man by improbably winning the wager, Tuganov died of a Viagra-induced heart attack